The Ask: Update tone on an operational email
Why It’s Important: A brand’s tone affects how trustworthy it seems (source)
The Process: Like many voluntary benefits, this company’s program is temporarily unavailable when participants aren’t working. Most of the time, this happens because an employee has gone on leave.
The company had an email in place to describe this situation to participants. Original email:
Thank you for your interest.
Unfortunately, you are not eligible to participate in our program at this time.
We reviewed your organization employment records and you do not meet the employer’s requirement based on the ‘non-active’ status on your employment record.
(Please note that “non-active status” does not necessarily mean that you are no longer employed by your organization.)
To view the complete list of program requirements and determine when you might become eligible to order, log in, click My Account, scroll down to the bottom of the Profile Information section and click “Eligibility & Program Information.”
If you believe the employment information you provided during registration is incorrect, please contact us for assistance with updating your employment profile.
I asked internal reviewers to describe their response to the message, and the feedback I received included descriptions like scared and confused.
The goal was to rewrite this message to align with the brand’s positive, conversational tone.
The content team met with business owners for an informational interview about the main reasons that customers might find themselves in this situation.
We then rewrote the email using simpler words and shorter sentences. We used Word’s Flesch-Kincaid metric to measure grade reading level, which told us that it had dropped from 13 to 7.
The revised message:
According to our records, you’re not able to buy with us right now.
This can happen for a number of reasons, including if you:
• Are on leave
• Are no longer with the same organization
• Had a salary or role changeYou can see your program requirements by going to My Account and choosing Eligibility & Program Information.
If you have any questions, please contact us.
We’re sorry you can’t shop with us today, but we hope that we can serve you in the future.
(Please note that the link in the email is inactive to protect the privacy of the client.)